Today I am home instead of at work! I am so excited for my Christmas break this year. I've got a lot to do today. Been working on laundry (barefoot because I have no clean socks until this load is done), cleaning the house, and sorting/wrapping gifts! I put my new Christmas flannel sheets on the bed. Need to make a list of the things I still need to buy giftwise, and then another list of things needed from the grocery store! Hopefully I can make some yummy fudge soon. I've never attempted that but I've been wanting some.
I really need to get my butt off the couch (and off the computer) and go walking. Maybe when the socks get dry....
Friday, December 17, 2010
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
action
When it comes to aspirations, it’s not about ideas. It’s about making ideas happen. What’s your next step?
HA! If only I could get to the next step. I'm doing my darndest to make it happen. But I can't move to the next step until AF gets here. Then it's a round of Clomid. Hopefully that's all it will take to make it happen.
HA! If only I could get to the next step. I'm doing my darndest to make it happen. But I can't move to the next step until AF gets here. Then it's a round of Clomid. Hopefully that's all it will take to make it happen.
Guess they didn't get the memo
The doctor's office called today to remind me of my first OB appointment tomorrow. Gee thanks for reminding me. Cause I for sure wasn't even thinking about the fact that tomorrow would have been the first time I could see the little fella's heartbeat. The receptionist felt really bad when I explained to her why I wouldn't be coming. Seriously? Is the communication in the office not any better than that? Cause I was there less than a month ago with a miscarriage. I just sent the payment for the visit.
Anyway. Life goes on. Temp jumped back up again this morning. Come one AF. Please.
Anyway. Life goes on. Temp jumped back up again this morning. Come one AF. Please.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Body Integration
This year, when did you feel the most integrated with your body? Did you have a moment where there wasn’t mind and body, but simply a cohesive YOU, alive and present?
Ha! This post is funny to me. My body and I have been at war for most of the year. I am trying to get it to cooperate with me to accomplish our goal of pregnancy. So far I am not winning the war. The most integrated that I have felt all year were the 5 weeks and 4 days that I was pregnant. I was so in tune with my body and all the twinges and crazy symptoms. I was conscious of any little change that occurred. Unfortunately, my body won that battle and I was also conscious of my pregnancy ending with every cramp and all the bleeding during my miscarriage. I fully intend to triumph over my silly body. It may have won that battle, but I'm in this fight for the long haul.
Ha! This post is funny to me. My body and I have been at war for most of the year. I am trying to get it to cooperate with me to accomplish our goal of pregnancy. So far I am not winning the war. The most integrated that I have felt all year were the 5 weeks and 4 days that I was pregnant. I was so in tune with my body and all the twinges and crazy symptoms. I was conscious of any little change that occurred. Unfortunately, my body won that battle and I was also conscious of my pregnancy ending with every cramp and all the bleeding during my miscarriage. I fully intend to triumph over my silly body. It may have won that battle, but I'm in this fight for the long haul.
The chaos that is my life....
I managed to make it through work today without punching anyone in the face or giving voice to any of my bitter thoughts. I consider that a successful day. Only 3more to go.
Accomplished an amazing feat yesterday: I had my friend come over to attempt a picture for our Christmas card. We have 5 precious dogs, and I wanted a "family" pic with all our "kids." What a crazy chaotic 20 minutes. But bless my friend's soul (thank you Mandy) we got a pic that is really good...considering the situation.
As far as TTC, still no sign of O. Temps are back down to AF level and I had some cramps yesterday, but still no sign of AF. If this were a "normal" cycle, Saturday should be AF arrival day. I am looking forward to Saturday and hoping that she gets here on time!
Accomplished an amazing feat yesterday: I had my friend come over to attempt a picture for our Christmas card. We have 5 precious dogs, and I wanted a "family" pic with all our "kids." What a crazy chaotic 20 minutes. But bless my friend's soul (thank you Mandy) we got a pic that is really good...considering the situation.
As far as TTC, still no sign of O. Temps are back down to AF level and I had some cramps yesterday, but still no sign of AF. If this were a "normal" cycle, Saturday should be AF arrival day. I am looking forward to Saturday and hoping that she gets here on time!
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Wisdom
Wisdom. What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out?
Since my life these days is all about trying to conceive, I seem to relate everything to this. The wisest decision I made this year was to stop taking my birth control pills. DH and I discussed this many times before we got married in February. He thought we should wait at least 6 months before even beginning trying. He wasn't sure we were ready. (Translated to mean that he wasn't sure HE was ready.) I, however, believed that we needed to begin trying right away. For some reason, I had an idea that it wouldn't be as easy for us as it seems to be for everyone else. Unfortunately, I was right. He was so sure about it when we did decide to quit taking the Pill, but he knew I had my heart set on it.
Since beginning TTC this pasy May, we've learned a lot about ourselves and our relationship. I believe he's learned that he really does want a baby much more than he initially thought. I've learned a lot about my body during the charting process. We've learned that we are blessed to have each other and that our love for each other makes dealing with this big bad ugly world a whole lot easier.
I can't yet say how this decision has played out for us. Obviously we haven't acheived our goal yet, but we'll continue to work on in and hopefully 2011 will bring us the sweet baby that we so desperately want in our lives.
Since my life these days is all about trying to conceive, I seem to relate everything to this. The wisest decision I made this year was to stop taking my birth control pills. DH and I discussed this many times before we got married in February. He thought we should wait at least 6 months before even beginning trying. He wasn't sure we were ready. (Translated to mean that he wasn't sure HE was ready.) I, however, believed that we needed to begin trying right away. For some reason, I had an idea that it wouldn't be as easy for us as it seems to be for everyone else. Unfortunately, I was right. He was so sure about it when we did decide to quit taking the Pill, but he knew I had my heart set on it.
Since beginning TTC this pasy May, we've learned a lot about ourselves and our relationship. I believe he's learned that he really does want a baby much more than he initially thought. I've learned a lot about my body during the charting process. We've learned that we are blessed to have each other and that our love for each other makes dealing with this big bad ugly world a whole lot easier.
I can't yet say how this decision has played out for us. Obviously we haven't acheived our goal yet, but we'll continue to work on in and hopefully 2011 will bring us the sweet baby that we so desperately want in our lives.
Baby Steps
Thank you girls for responding to my last post and for the prayers. I am much better today. Not so angry. But still a little bitter. And most definitely annoyed. I am not looking forward to going to work tomorrow, but at least I know I only have to work 4 days and then I'll be out for Christmas break!
I have found that spending time with my DH makes me feel better than anything. We spent the day at a basketball tournament yesterday. He reffed 2 games and then watched the rest with me. When I'm with him, I remember how blessed I am to have such a wonderful person to share my life with. He's here with me because he loves me and wants to be here. When we finally do have a baby, it will be because we both planned for it and wanted it. Not because I needed a way to keep him here with me. Not because he feels obligated.
He told me today that I have no business being jealous and envious of a stupid, trashy, whore. Now, I know that's a strong word, and we don't really know her heart, but we do know all the guys that she has been with in the last year. Anyway, there is no guarantee that this guy will stay with her and make her life be the fairy tale she has it all worked out to be in her head. DH said that we should jusst keep on and pray that our time will be soon, but if our time never comes, at least we have each other and a relationships that has it's own sturdy foundation that is not based on a surprise pregnancy.
And he is right. However, that doesn't make it hurt any less to watch her belly grow over the next nine months. Or to have to listen to her talk about the pregnancy & baby. Or to see the cute maternity clothes she gets to wear. Or to hear all the staff ooh and aah and coo over everything baby related. Ugh.
Obviously there is still some bitterness. BUT, I do believe that I can go to work tomorrow and not be in danger of punching her in the face. Baby steps, right?
I have found that spending time with my DH makes me feel better than anything. We spent the day at a basketball tournament yesterday. He reffed 2 games and then watched the rest with me. When I'm with him, I remember how blessed I am to have such a wonderful person to share my life with. He's here with me because he loves me and wants to be here. When we finally do have a baby, it will be because we both planned for it and wanted it. Not because I needed a way to keep him here with me. Not because he feels obligated.
He told me today that I have no business being jealous and envious of a stupid, trashy, whore. Now, I know that's a strong word, and we don't really know her heart, but we do know all the guys that she has been with in the last year. Anyway, there is no guarantee that this guy will stay with her and make her life be the fairy tale she has it all worked out to be in her head. DH said that we should jusst keep on and pray that our time will be soon, but if our time never comes, at least we have each other and a relationships that has it's own sturdy foundation that is not based on a surprise pregnancy.
And he is right. However, that doesn't make it hurt any less to watch her belly grow over the next nine months. Or to have to listen to her talk about the pregnancy & baby. Or to see the cute maternity clothes she gets to wear. Or to hear all the staff ooh and aah and coo over everything baby related. Ugh.
Obviously there is still some bitterness. BUT, I do believe that I can go to work tomorrow and not be in danger of punching her in the face. Baby steps, right?
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