And I could keep going. This is my venting place, so I'm getting it all out here in the hopes that it won't all spill out into real life. I just found out that one of my co-workers is pregnant. This is not a person that I particularly like in the first place, so I'm having a really hard time dealing with it.
This girl is lazy and manipulative. She already has one child she doesn't take care of. The daddy of that one is in drug rehab. She was overhead asking another co-worker if they knew where she could find some cocaine. She does the minimum amount required in order to keep her job. She will stab you in the back in a heartbeat. She was also overheard telling another co-worker: "I'm gonna have a baby by ****** because he's gonna be a doctor and we'll have it made."
I have said "I'm gonna have a baby by my HUSBAND" a thousand times and it hasn't worked for me. I have been trying for 7 months to get pregnant. The one time that I did manage to get pregnant, I had a miscarriage. (which is still pretty fresh in my mind and in my heart) After said miscarriage, my body has decided to go haywire to further complicate things. I still don't know if I'm gonna ovulate, and if I do when it will be. I don't have any clue if my dear Aunt Flow will be showing up on time. And if she doesn't I don't have any idea when she will show up if at all.
THAT IS SO NOT FAIR.
Ok. Now. Please say a prayer for me. Please pray that I can work on my attitude cause right now it stinks. Please pray that I can remember that God is in charge of my life that he has it all mapped out for me. Please pray that I can remember how blessed I am by having a wonderful husband who loves me and takes care of me and that I don't have to pick random guys to "trap." Please. Just pray for me.
Friday, December 10, 2010
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Community, Being Different, and Partying
Had to go out of town for work, so I'm behind on Reverb since I didn't have my computer with me. So here goes:
Community. Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011? I have discovered the community of girls just like myself who want badly to become pregnant and successfully deliver a precious baby on fertilityfriend.com. I initially just wanting the use of the awesome charting software, but eventually found myself on the message boards reading posts. After lurking for a long time, I began posting my own thoughts. I have made several friends on the boards and appreciate the fact that even though these girls have never met me, they offered kind words and prayers and encouragement during and after my miscarriage. For those of you who followed me here from Fertility Friend, thank you for caring enough about my life to read my posts! I hope that in 2011 I can join the pregnancy circles on FF and remain there for an entire 9 months!!!!!
Beautifully different. Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different - you'll find they're what make you beautiful. What makes me different? I don't know. I mean there are so many things that make me different. I am who I am. I don't pretend to be anyone else. I know so many people who are one person at home, one person at church, one person at work, one person with their friends,etc. I am me whereever I am and whoever I'm with. I don't try to keep up with people who are out of my league. I am content with my status. I don't have to be wealthy. I don't have to be popular. I don't have to have a million friends. Does that make me beautiful?
Party. What social gathering rocked your socks off in 2010? Describe the people, music, food, drink, clothes, shenanigans Hmmmm...I really don't do parties in the sense that most people think. The best "party" I can think of this year would be my wedding reception. We snuck off and got married to avoid all the hooha that goes along with a wedding, but my Mom absolutely would not let me off the hook about a reception. We were married on Valentine's Day but waited to have our reception until the day before we left for our honeymoon in March. It was all of our family and very closest friends. Very simple, but very special to us.
Community. Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011? I have discovered the community of girls just like myself who want badly to become pregnant and successfully deliver a precious baby on fertilityfriend.com. I initially just wanting the use of the awesome charting software, but eventually found myself on the message boards reading posts. After lurking for a long time, I began posting my own thoughts. I have made several friends on the boards and appreciate the fact that even though these girls have never met me, they offered kind words and prayers and encouragement during and after my miscarriage. For those of you who followed me here from Fertility Friend, thank you for caring enough about my life to read my posts! I hope that in 2011 I can join the pregnancy circles on FF and remain there for an entire 9 months!!!!!
Beautifully different. Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different - you'll find they're what make you beautiful. What makes me different? I don't know. I mean there are so many things that make me different. I am who I am. I don't pretend to be anyone else. I know so many people who are one person at home, one person at church, one person at work, one person with their friends,etc. I am me whereever I am and whoever I'm with. I don't try to keep up with people who are out of my league. I am content with my status. I don't have to be wealthy. I don't have to be popular. I don't have to have a million friends. Does that make me beautiful?
Party. What social gathering rocked your socks off in 2010? Describe the people, music, food, drink, clothes, shenanigans Hmmmm...I really don't do parties in the sense that most people think. The best "party" I can think of this year would be my wedding reception. We snuck off and got married to avoid all the hooha that goes along with a wedding, but my Mom absolutely would not let me off the hook about a reception. We were married on Valentine's Day but waited to have our reception until the day before we left for our honeymoon in March. It was all of our family and very closest friends. Very simple, but very special to us.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Letting Go
Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?
Well, I'm very happy to say that this year, I have let go of my single self. My days of being alone and thinking only of myself are gone. I have become a wife. A part of a couple. Half of a whole. My actions now affect the life of someone else. I have responsibilities and obligations. And I love it. I have been blessed with a wonderful, caring, hard-working, supportive, funny, perfect for me husband.
Our life together is not perfect. We fight. We argue. We disagree. But we make up, we compromise, and we love our way through everything that jumps in our path. I am so excited to be spending my very first Christmas as Mrs. Griffin.
While I am still me...I will always be me. I haven't changed who I am, but by letting go of the "old me," I have become a better me.
Well, I'm very happy to say that this year, I have let go of my single self. My days of being alone and thinking only of myself are gone. I have become a wife. A part of a couple. Half of a whole. My actions now affect the life of someone else. I have responsibilities and obligations. And I love it. I have been blessed with a wonderful, caring, hard-working, supportive, funny, perfect for me husband.
Our life together is not perfect. We fight. We argue. We disagree. But we make up, we compromise, and we love our way through everything that jumps in our path. I am so excited to be spending my very first Christmas as Mrs. Griffin.
While I am still me...I will always be me. I haven't changed who I am, but by letting go of the "old me," I have become a better me.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Wonder
Wonder. How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year?
Hmm...I don't know that I have cultivated a sense of wonder in my life using the meaning that I'm sure the prompt writer had in mind. The only sense of wonder that I've had in my life this year has been in the five 2 week waits wondering if I would be pregnant this cycle. Then when I got my BFP a million wonderings of what would our baby look like, what kind of changes would this mean in our life, what kind of personality will the baby have, when will I start to show, wonder if I'll get morning sickness. Then 2 weeks ago today as I started bleeding, more wondering. I wonder if this is bad? I wonder if I am miscarrying? I wonder if I am still pregnant. Then confirmation. Yes, I'm miscarrying. Which leads to more wondering. I wonder if this will be a cycle of "normal" length? I wonder if I will ovulatate? I wonder if I will get another BFP soon or have to wait another 6 months. So, I guess I have cultivated many wonderings in my life this year!! Hopefully soon we will be back to wondering what will our baby look like and what kind of personality will it have. I wonder if this is the cycle.
Hmm...I don't know that I have cultivated a sense of wonder in my life using the meaning that I'm sure the prompt writer had in mind. The only sense of wonder that I've had in my life this year has been in the five 2 week waits wondering if I would be pregnant this cycle. Then when I got my BFP a million wonderings of what would our baby look like, what kind of changes would this mean in our life, what kind of personality will the baby have, when will I start to show, wonder if I'll get morning sickness. Then 2 weeks ago today as I started bleeding, more wondering. I wonder if this is bad? I wonder if I am miscarrying? I wonder if I am still pregnant. Then confirmation. Yes, I'm miscarrying. Which leads to more wondering. I wonder if this will be a cycle of "normal" length? I wonder if I will ovulatate? I wonder if I will get another BFP soon or have to wait another 6 months. So, I guess I have cultivated many wonderings in my life this year!! Hopefully soon we will be back to wondering what will our baby look like and what kind of personality will it have. I wonder if this is the cycle.
Friday, December 3, 2010
Moment
Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors).
The moment that instantly comes to mind is a moment on our honeymoon in St Lucia this past March. We were laying on a double lounge chair beside one of the pools at the resort. You could hear the sound of the water lapping the edges of the pool. The warm sun was shining down on us. There was a nice breeze blowing through the palm trees, and you could hear the sea gulls call to each other. We had no worries, no stress. Just each other. In the distance just past the pool, you can see the vast beautiful ocean and the sandy beaches. It was one moment in my life of perfect happiness. I had everything I needed laying right next to me.
The moment that instantly comes to mind is a moment on our honeymoon in St Lucia this past March. We were laying on a double lounge chair beside one of the pools at the resort. You could hear the sound of the water lapping the edges of the pool. The warm sun was shining down on us. There was a nice breeze blowing through the palm trees, and you could hear the sea gulls call to each other. We had no worries, no stress. Just each other. In the distance just past the pool, you can see the vast beautiful ocean and the sandy beaches. It was one moment in my life of perfect happiness. I had everything I needed laying right next to me.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Catching up on Reverb10
December 2 – Writing. What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it?
Oh man! Up until starting this blog, I didn't really do a lot of writing. But I love to read. And I haven't done much of that lately either. The Internet has taken over my life. I don't read as much any more. I don't watch as much TV any more. I like the internet. I like Facebook. I love the games on Facebook. I like reading the message boards on the Fertility Friend site. But other productive things have taken my time away from writing (and reading)...such as laundry, cooking for my hubby, keeping the house clean, going to the grocery store, etc. When you get married, your free time changes. I like spending time with my hubby when we have time off together. When basketball season rolls around, I'm much more likely to blog because I'm home by myself a lot. But when he's home, it's nice to spend time with him.
Can I eliminate these things? Well sure. But do I want to?? Most likely not. The games on Facebook are an awesome escape from reality. As are reading and TV. My brain gets a little break. You don't have to think much to do these things. Can I eliminate housework? Ha! I wish! Eliminate time with my hubby? Not a chance. :-)
Oh man! Up until starting this blog, I didn't really do a lot of writing. But I love to read. And I haven't done much of that lately either. The Internet has taken over my life. I don't read as much any more. I don't watch as much TV any more. I like the internet. I like Facebook. I love the games on Facebook. I like reading the message boards on the Fertility Friend site. But other productive things have taken my time away from writing (and reading)...such as laundry, cooking for my hubby, keeping the house clean, going to the grocery store, etc. When you get married, your free time changes. I like spending time with my hubby when we have time off together. When basketball season rolls around, I'm much more likely to blog because I'm home by myself a lot. But when he's home, it's nice to spend time with him.
Can I eliminate these things? Well sure. But do I want to?? Most likely not. The games on Facebook are an awesome escape from reality. As are reading and TV. My brain gets a little break. You don't have to think much to do these things. Can I eliminate housework? Ha! I wish! Eliminate time with my hubby? Not a chance. :-)
Will I or will I won't?
So...it's getting close to ovulation time...and I have no clue how close it is since I decided not to use the OPKs this cycle. I've read that some people ovulate the cycle of their miscarriage and some don't. Plus, I told myself that we aren't really trying as hard this cycle...just trying to make it through to the fresh new cycle so I can start the Clomid. Who am I kidding??? Of course we're trying this cycle. Even though I'm not doing OPKs, I'm still figuring in my head when O time should be. And we're still BDing (translation for Halee: Baby Dancing aka SEX!) at the appropriate time. And I'm temping, so when (IF) I get a confirmed temp shift, I'll be figuring if we BD at a good time. And then the 2ww (2 week wait) will begin and I will imagine every symptom in the book. :-)
So...as a distraction I am going to participate in Reverb 10. (Halee, you should check it out...right up your alley!) I actually should have started yesterday, so I have some catching up to do.
December 1 – One Word. Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?
2010: Marriage: This past year for me has been all about marriage! The first part of the year was spent planning for the upcoming wedding, then actually getting married, then the honeymoon. And after that big whirlwind was past it was about the every day ins and outs of marriage. Like learning to deal with snoring, toilet seats left up, dirty clothes on the floor, no clean forks, deciding how to divide time at the holidays, and just learning to mesh two lives in general. It's been a great year. :-) I love my husband. I love being married to him. I am so glad that my long broken road has led me stright to him.
2011: Babies. This next year for us is going to be about babies. I am confident that at some point during the upcoming year, I will be giving birth to a beautiful, healthy baby. Twins if I'm lucky. We started our TTC journy during this year, but next year is our year. I just feel it.
So...as a distraction I am going to participate in Reverb 10. (Halee, you should check it out...right up your alley!) I actually should have started yesterday, so I have some catching up to do.
December 1 – One Word. Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?
2010: Marriage: This past year for me has been all about marriage! The first part of the year was spent planning for the upcoming wedding, then actually getting married, then the honeymoon. And after that big whirlwind was past it was about the every day ins and outs of marriage. Like learning to deal with snoring, toilet seats left up, dirty clothes on the floor, no clean forks, deciding how to divide time at the holidays, and just learning to mesh two lives in general. It's been a great year. :-) I love my husband. I love being married to him. I am so glad that my long broken road has led me stright to him.
2011: Babies. This next year for us is going to be about babies. I am confident that at some point during the upcoming year, I will be giving birth to a beautiful, healthy baby. Twins if I'm lucky. We started our TTC journy during this year, but next year is our year. I just feel it.
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