Wednesday, January 26, 2011

In the middle of my little mess, I forget how big I'm blessed

So here I am again. CD3. Just biding time until I begin Clomid Round 2. Sad that there's yet another BFN. Sad that AF is back for her regularly scheduled visit. Sad that Clomid was not the miracle drug I was hoping it was. Sad that I'm not one of those who is "extra fertile" right after a miscarriage. Sad that I'm not finding out the gender of the baby that I should be having 6 months from now. Grumbling because I have to go to work. Crabby because the lunch at school was not what I wanted. Cranky that I'm slammed with work and it just keeps piling on me. Extra cranky that DH picked up an extra game this week and will now be gone every single night leaving me home by myself.

So I'm sitting at work listening to KLOVE through my computer and this song comes on. I'd never heard it before and I don't remember what it's called or who sings it, but basically its about lifes minor annoyances...losing your keys, losing your phone, getting a speeding ticket, etc and how these things drive us crazy. And this one line has stuck with me all day: "In the middle of my little mess, I forget how big I'm blessed." That kinda just smacked me right between the eyes. What in the world do I have to be crabby about? I mean, really? In the big scheme of things...

I am blessed beyond measure. I have a GREAT life. Yes, AF is here, but she did come right on time. I don't have to take Provera to kick start her. I have a normal cycle length and don't have to wait 60 something days to even get another chance at trying again. I still have all my babymaking parts. As far as I know they are healthy and not eaten up with cancer. Obviously something isn't clicking exactly right, but then again, I *did* get pregnant once, so surely it can happen again. Clomid didn't get me pregnant, but it did for sure make me ovulate and that's all that it was expected to do. Yes, I had a miscarriage, but it was an early loss. I can't imagine what some of the girls I've met through FF must have experienced to have losses at 11 weeks, 16 weeks, and even 22 weeks. I didn't even have to have a D&C. It stinks that I have to go to work every day, but I have a really good job. I get paid a nice amount of money. I am good at what I do. And for heaven's sake, my lunch is FREE. No, it wasn't Flying Burger, but it was FREE. My sweet husband is working his tail off(don't feel bad for him...he LOVES it) so that we have money to put in saving for either 1) more drastic measures of getting a baby such as IVF or on a more positive note 2)diapers, clothes, furniture, strollers, etc for when we get our baby. Yes, I'm home alone, but look at what a beautiful home I get to hibernate in. How in the world can someone with all these things going for them forget to remember how big she is blessed?

Monday, January 24, 2011

I'm out

So I waited very patiently until today to test. And I expected good things. Instead I got a visit from Aunt Flow. Gee thanks. At least she was right on time and didn't keep me waiting. And she hasn't really even caused me the usual painful cramps. Or maybe I was just too busy dealing with the crazy things that work was throwing at me that I didn't notice the cramps.

So. CD1. Again.

Clomid Round 2 here I come. I had *real* coffee today instead of decaf. I went to the gym and ran my miles without concern for my heart rate. I took a nice long hot bath when I got home from the gym. So hot that my skin turned red.

Now my legs are mad at me. I guess about the running. Cause they sure are hurting! I was kinda taking it wasy with the working out last week in case I was pregnant. No excuse for taking it easy this week.

It really would have been nice to have an October baby. Matthew and I met and started dating in October. He proposed to me October 15th. I've always wanted an October wedding, but I didn't want to wait a year to get married, so that idea got scrapped in favor of the whole St. Lucia things (good choice!). So it would be fitting that we had a precious addition to our family in October. Not to mention October is the begining of basketball season and any child born after Oct and before March will pretty much be fatherless until the season is over. Which means, I would pretty much be a single parent to a newborn for the first 5 months of it's life. Not the optimal situation, but definitely acceptable. I will accept a baby at any time God is willing to give it!

Friday, January 21, 2011

Is this fever blister a sign?

After lunch today, I noticed a little fever blister popping up on my nose. It hurts like the devil. Every time I accidently brush it with my hand, it like needles poking my nostril. But I'm very excited to see this fever blister! The last time I had a fever blister was in October, right before I found out I was pregnant. Could this be a good sign for this cycle?

Thursday, January 20, 2011

10 dpo and counting

I keep thinking that if we were successful this cycle and I am preggo, shouldn't I be feeling some sysmptoms by now? Some little hint that there is something different going on. I did have some slight cramps today that kinda felt a little like AF is coming, but it's a little too early for that. I should have at least a couple more days. No sore boobs. No nausea (thank goodness). Nothing. I am a little tired today, but I'm chalking that up to the nasty dreary day and not sleeping good last night.

Oh well, I can live with no symptoms as long as I am also living without AF!!

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Progesterone Party at my house!

The nurse called with my b/w results. My prog was 41. So now we wait. The nurse said, "Well, now one of two things will happen. Either you will start your next cycle or you won't. " LoL. Really? She went on to add, "But we are all hoping that you won't!" which I thought was nice of her.

That definitely means I ovulated. They look for 15 or above for a medicated cycle, so I'm well over the 15. Now we just pray that AF stays far away. Until then, I will WAIT...and expect GOOD things!

Monday, January 17, 2011

Hurry up and wait some more

So I'm coming back to my motto for the year: Wait....and expect good things.

Went this morning to get my 7dpo blood draw. The lab lady says it will be a couple of days before they know the results because they don't do that particular test in house. Bummer. Don't they know that us girls want to know this stuff right away? So we are waiting to see what my progesterone level is. I've read that for a normal cycle it should be 10+ but for a medicated cycle (such as my Clomid) it should be 15+. I feel fairly sure that it's higher than any of my previous cycles. My temps have never been this high at this point in my cycle. Not to mention that I've been having symptoms such as sore boobs and constipation that I'm blaming on the progesterone. It's way to early to be having "real" symptoms.

Our sermon in church yesterday was about having patience and learning to wait, about not jumping the gun. This seems to be a lesson that God is determined to teach me. So I have decided that I will not test until Monday. At that point I will be 14dpo and will be late for AF. It's my FF test date. I will not test until Monday. Maybe I will have two very pretty (and dark) lines. I will not test until Monday. This will be a test of my will power. I can do it. Remember my motto? WAIT. AND EXPECT GOOD THINGS.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Finally Friday

Why is it that the "short" weeks seemed longer than the "normal" weeks???? I was so glad to see Friday. I sure did enjoy my snow days, and it sure did suck to have to go back.

I did finally ovulate and it seems like it was good timing! I can definitely tell a difference in my post-O temps this cycle. They've been higher than my post-o temps in any other cycle. I'm quite sure that the Clomid had something to do with that. I scheduled my CD21/7dpo bloodwork for Monday morning, so I'm anxious to see what the results of that are. The nurse said that it will tell us if I ovulated. I don't quite understand how it all works.

Monday will also mark the half way point until AF is scheduled to show up. I'm hoping she doesn't show up!

Monday, January 10, 2011

Free day!

What a fun and productive free day I've had today! AND I get another one tomorrow! Yay for snow days! I spent most of the day today working on my medical transcription class, and I feel like I made lots of progress. Then I finally got a postive OPK! Woo hoo! I was afraid that I had missed my surge, but I guess it was just a little later than I thought it would be.

So.....I was here at lunch when DH came home and managed to get a little baby dancing done! :-)

When we found out that we would be out today, they told us we would have to make it up on MLK day. I was really kind of cranky about that because DH is off that day and I was looking forward to having a day with him. I've now decided that I will not be cranky about working MLK day. I will go to work with a smile on my face because if I had to work today and not next week, I wouldn't have gotten the extra baby dance in at lunch seeing as how I can't leave for lunch when I'm working. I will work every single MLK til I die if being off today means that I can get my take home baby. What a story to tell the little one if I could say he was conceived during the snow/ice of 2011!!!!

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Sleet day

What a perfect day we've had! Sleet started coming down as I was on my way to Sunday school. After Sunday, hubby called to say that church had been cancelled, so our after church lunch with his family had been moved up. Ate lunch with my in-laws then went home and got cozy! Put on flannel pjs, built a roaring fire, brewed some donut shoppe coffee with the Keurig, got the flannel blankie, snuggled on the couch with the dog and the hubby, did a little baby dance, watched a movie, and fixed a yummy pot of chili for supper!! I got word that school for me tomorrow is CANCELLED! Awesome! But it comes at a price...I will no longer get MLK day as a holiday. Oh well. You win some, you lose some! The sleet did finally change over to snow, although by the time it did, it was pretty much dark outside.

Still no positive OPK, but I think that maybe I might have missed my surge. Before my BFP in Oct, I always had 2 days of pos OPKs. I only tested once a day though, so if I had a short surge at night I wouldn't have caught it. If I have another high temp tomorrow FF will prob give me cross hairs. I think I'll do another OPK tomorrow out of curiosity though. If I do get my cross hairs, then it's on to another two week wait. And some 7 dpo bloodwork to see if the Clomid was my friend or not!

Really looking forward to my "free" day tomorrow, although I wish M would be home with me. He still has to go in to work. :-( I plan to spend most of my day working on my medical transcription class so I can hurry up and finish!!!

Just wanted to share a pic of my sweet little Pedro enjoying his snow day. :-)

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Let it snow!

Spent most of today getting ready for the "big storm" that's coming (supposedly) tomorrow! Went to the grocery store this morning and got plenty of supplies. And some Eagle brand milk so I can make snow ice cream. Had DH bring up lots of wood and stack it all nice and neat by the door. Washed all our warm comfy clothes. Put flannel sheets on the bed. Stocked up on dog food. Got plenty of candles, magazine, books, and flashlights. Just in case. You never know. Got the camera ready to take some pretty pics.

Still no positive OPK today. Maybe tomorrow. Guess we'll do a little baby dance just to make sure! :-)

Friday, January 7, 2011

I made it throught the week!

Wow, I can't believe it's been a whole week almost since my last post. It's definitely been a busy week. I'm feeling much better about my job than I was at the first of the week, but I still don't like it. Oh well. No choice but to make the best of it for now.

Had a huge temp drop this morning and just knew I'd have a positive OPK today. No such luck. But I'm sure that it's a sign that ovulation is soon since it's very common for my temp to go down right before I ovulate. Something to do with a surge of estrogen right before the egg is released. How perfect that I'm expecting to ovulate on the weekend when DH and I are home together. AND it's supposed to snow this weekend, so we'll be all cozied up with the fireplace roaring. Hopefully, my friend Clomid has grown me some nice, pretty eggs.

Finally got up enough courage to take back the maternity shirts that I ordered from Motherhood Maternity online. Didn't want to keep them because they're long sleeved and hopefully I will get preggo and have a baby before I will need long sleeves again. So I walk into the store in the mall with my shirts and tell the lady that I need to return them. She pulls up a screen on her computer and starts typing. She asks my name and enters it and then says, "What's your due date?" Kinda threw me off for a minute, but I told her that I didn't have one. She kinda looked at me funny but typed some more on her little computer. Then she asked why I was returning the shirts. So I told her that I had a miscarriage and didn't need them anymore. She got a look of total panic on her face, and said, "Oh my. I'm so sorry." Well yeah. Me too. So she does a whole lot more typing and doesn't ask me any more questions. Thank you for that, because I didn't want to answer any more questions. I decided instead of getting my money back that I just wanted a gift card. The girl said that they don't expire, and I'm convinced I will need it again. When she handed me my gift card there was a coupon attached to it for a week in February that they are having a big promotion or something. The girl said, "If you come during this week in Feb and make a purchase then you have the chance to save extra % off. So I really hope that you can come back by then." I thought that was really nice of her. I hope that I can come back then too.

I did manage not to cry. Until I walked out and DH (who had been pacing back and forth in the store while I handled the return) said, "I'm sorry you don't have a due date anymore." Me too. But hopefully I will have a new due date soon. And besides, summer maternity clothes are WAY cuter than winter ones.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

I dont wanna go back.

I want to be a stay at home mom. My five furbabies count, right? I don't want to go back to work tomorrow. I'm dreading going back. I don't even want to go to bed because then it will be time to wake up.

I used to like work. But they changed my job all up starting tomorrow and I don't want it anymore. I liked it the way it was. I like my paycheck. So I guess I'll go to work and make the best of it tomorrow. Maybe it won't be as bad as I think.

I am currently training to be a medical transcriptionist. That's a job that I can do from home. I'll be finished with my training in May, and then if I find a job, I can stay home and work. I'm really looking forward to the time when that can happen.

Is that bad? I mean, I'm still paying on loans from grad school. But I want to stay at home with my kids should I ever be blessed with them.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

wait....and expect good things

First of all, I totally stole that phrase from Randi's blog. Thanks Randi!

I think that I'll make this "my phrase" for the year. I don't really make resolutions because I don't believe they last. But I do think that I need to work on changing the way I view things.

Wait. What an incredibly hard thing to do. I have become a person who wants everything right now. Having to wait on anything is annoying. I hate wait for my page to load. I hate waiting in the doctor's office for my appointment time. What's the point of making an appointment when you still don't get seen until an hour after the appointed time. I hate waiting for the work day to end. I hate waiting for supper to be done. I hate waiting to save up enough money for my pool. I hate waiting. I get annoyed when having to wait. Which makes me not very nice sometimes. So maybe I need to just chill out and relax a little while I wait. Maybe I need to focus more on the things that I already have instead of waiting for something that I perceive to be better.

and expect good things This is another hard thing for me. If you expect bad things and you get good things instead, then you aren't disappointed. Your feelings aren't hurt. You don't get angry. You don't get sad. You aren't devestated. But it sure does make you have a negative outlook on life. And no one likes Negative Nancy. So I"m going to expect good thing instead. I'm going to quit sitting around waiting on the Clomid Crazies to hit. I'm going to be excited that I have had NO side effects so far and expect that those follicles are growing and just itching to get out of my ovaries and get fertilized. I'm going to expect that this time next year I will have a healthy happy new baby. It's possible! It can happen.

I will wait...and expect good things.