Running down a dream

I ran today. And it felt good. I didn't worry that I was getting too hot or that my heart rate was out of control. I enjoyed pushing my body. My boobs didn't hurt either. But my heart is still broken. And running won't fix that. But it does make me feel better for a short time.

I'm patiently waiting to see if I ovulate this cycle. I just want to hurry and get through this icky cycle so that I can start my Clomid. This could possibly be the first time since beginning our TTC journey that I am anxious for AF to show up so that I can move on.

I got my Christmas tree up. It makes me smile when I look at it. Each ornament has special meaning, so I enjoyed putting them all on.












And here is our mantle, all ready for Santa.



My two most favorite ornaments:
This is the one I bought while we were on our honeymoon in St Lucia. This will be our very first Christmas as husband and wife. I'm so blessed to have my sweet husband to spend Christmas with.



And my tribute to my alma mater: Louisiana Tech University. I loved my years at Tech. Until now, they were some of the best of my life. Tech and all my friends and memories from those days will always hold a special place in my heart. As will this ornament.

Pity Party is Over!

Ok, I allowed myself the weekend to lay around and cry and be hopeless and depressed. I allowed potato chips, chocolate, ice cream, pizza, Chips Ahoy, Ro-Tel dip, M&Ms, and no gym workouts. But...pity party is over now. Time to get back on the healthy eating, working out (maybe I can do that marathon after all) and moving on to better things!

Doc said that we could begin trying again immediately, but for me not to start the Clomid until my NEXT cycle (which at this point seems soooo far away). So we're torn between getting back on the TTC band wagon and taking a chance on another bad egg and possibly going through this all over again, or waiting until the next cycle when I have my Clomid to help the egg be what it needs to be. Wow. When you write it all down like that, is makes the obvious choice pretty clear, doesn't it?

On a happier note, tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and while we're still sad about what we've lost, we have sooo many things to be thankful for! I love my husband and I appreciate him trying to be supportive even though he has no clue what to do or say to make me feel better. He's trying. And I love him for it. Although his idea of getting me up and out of the house for a fun night out was taking me to a basketball game at SAU. I would rather have been somewhere else, we had a good time just being together and enjoying each other's company. Don't tell him, but I did kinda have fun. :-)

Back to waiting. Again.

Here are the events of the day. Called doc first thing to see what's up with the bleeding. Told me to come on over and she'd work me in today. Did a pee test. BFN. Checked my cervix, which was closed. That kind of gave us some hope since she said an open cervix would be a definite indicator of miscarriage. Sent me for beta, blood type, and Rh. DH and I killed an hour at Sonic and Home Depot. (and yes, I treated myself to a caramel sundae!) Went back to her office. Beta results: 3. Explains the negative pee test.

She knows that I was preggo due to previous betas...we definitely fertilized and implanted, but that's prob as far as we got. She said that my bean probably never developed which explains my lack of symptoms, the lack of cramping and heavy bleeding. There just wasn't tissue developed to come out, so my body thought this was just a regular period. Since my beta is back to "normal" she feels like the worst is over although I might still spot for a few days.

She did say that she didn't see any reason we couldn't start trying again immediately. When I get my next period, we will start Clomid as originally planned and she'll put me on progesterone immediately after my next BFP.

So. Now we just wait. And wait. And wait some more.

Limbo

Well, I should have known it was too good to be true. Woke up this morning to go walk my 6 miles and was dismayed to find pink on the TP when I wiped. Decided not to walk and went back to bed. By lunchtime, it was red when I wiped. This afternoon I spent in the bed napping and reading. When I got up mid afternoon, (TMI ALERT) spots in the panties and dime sized blots in the toilet after peeing. Had some mild cramping, but not really pain, just an uncomfortable feeling.

I've read a lot about how some bleeding is normal during the first trimester. The website I saw said you should only be concerned if you have pain that doubles you over and so much bleeding that you fill a pad within an hour. I am nowhere near there, but if this is "normal" then "normal" is scary!

I called the doctor's office, but all I got was a recording (which is what I expected) saying that if you need immediate assistance you can press 5 to be connected to the hospital. That won't really help me...if I go to the hospital I will go to the one here in Magnolia.

Considered going to the ER, but crossed that off the list for now. It's Saturday night and I'm sure they're packed. Besides, what will they do? Tell me I'm miscarrying? Uhm, pretty sure I could figure that out for FREE myself. Even if they do an ultrasound I'm so early that they probably couldn't see a heartbeat yet anyway even if there were no problems.

So, I'm just sitting on the couch. Taking a break from laying in the bed. I guess this will be my plan for tomorrow too. Either things will get way worse and I'll break down and go to the ER, tomorrow will be an awesome day with no bleeding, or first thing Monday morning I'll call the doc and see what she says.

Prayers please.

just hanging out

So very excited that I found a trick to make the boobs feel much better while running. Yesterday I put my sports bra over my real bra. No pains at all while running. But I really couldn't enjoy my run. I kept thinking of all the people who say don't let your heartrate get too high while running or don't let your temp get too high while running. Since I didn't have a thermometer or a heart rate monitor, I just ended up walking. Heart rate monitor is on the Christmas list.

Just hanging out until my first appointment. It still seems so far away. :-(

tried running today

Yeah, prob no more running for awhile. No pain, no problems breathing, but MAN my boobs are sooo sore and couldn't take the bouncing!!!!! Even with the sports bra is was just too much. LoL. Ended up just walking my 3 miles after a very short (2 minute) run. :-)

5 weeks (maybe)

Nurse called today and said that doc was much happier with my second number. She said that it's increasing like they want it to and she doesn't see any reason to draw any more blood unless I have problems or want more. I feel better after the second number to, so I think we'll just let it be.

I did ask her about exercising while I'm preggo. I walk 3 miles 3-4 times a week and even run some, but I didn't want to continue that schedule until I got the okay from her. I was actually training for a 1/2 marathon in March, but I'm not sure I'll be up to that now. Nurse said that it was fine as long as I'd been running up until now, but it still made me nervous to run today. So instead I walked briskly for my 3 miles. No cramps, no uncomfortable breathing. But my heart rate was up to 157. I've heard a lot of people say that it shouldn't go over 140 when you're pregnant. When I go tomorrow I may try to run for a few minutes just to see how I fell.

It tripled!

Went this morning to get my second beta. It wasn't my friend that took my blood this time, but I made a new friend!! She told me that even though medical records wasn't open on the weekend, since I'd signed a release on Thursday when I picked up my other results she could give me my results from today. So she told me just to call in an hour to see if the test was finished. I did. It was. So I went back to the lab, picked up my results, and was sooo happy to see a 56. 57 would be tripled, so it looks like things are going like they should! I feel so much better now, and I'm allowing myself to be excited! I still want to hear what the doctor says about it on Monday. I wonder if I'll have to go for more blood draws??

I don't feel pregnant

I have no symptoms. Well, my boobs hurt a little. But they've hurt way more than this just due to PMS. They feel heavy. Maybe they'll grow! :-)

Tomorrow is the day I go see the vampire lady to suck more blood from my arm. I called the medical records department and they aren't open on the weekend, so unless I can sweet talk the lady in the lab, I will be suffering in limbo until Monday.

My obsessive compulsive has taken over and I bought several more tests just so I can reassure myself with a line every day. Pretty line this morning. Still not as dark as I'd like to see, but darker than the other days. Makes me feel a little better. But still won't rest until I hear that all important number!

too good to be true?

Called the doc today to report my +digi. She scheduled my first appointment for Dec. 15th. Man, that seems like a really loooong way away. The nurse says they don't see OB patients until 9 or 10 weeks. I explained to her my concerns about the lack of lines on my first tests, and she told me I could have a blood test if it would make me feel better. I thought it would make me feel better.

She faxed the orders so that I could have it done here in town instead of having to drive 30 miles to her office, so I ran down to the lab and got the blood sucked out of me. The nice lady at the lab said that she'd have results within an hour and would fax them to the doctor. I explained that sometimes they don't call me back right away, doc doesn't have office hours on Friday, and there was no way I could wait until Monday to find out the results. She told me to come back this afternoon and she'd give me a copy of the lab reports. (She's my new best friend)

Waited all day to hear from the doc, but no such luck. When I got off work, went back to the hospital to get my results. I've read a little online and on the message boards at FF what normal hCG levels are so I'd kinda have an idea what to expect. The in medical records gave me a paper with my number on it. I don't like the number. 19. 19? That's soooo low.

So I thought maybe my information might not be correct, and since I didn't have a way of getting in touch with the doc, I went back upstairs to the lab and found my new best friend. I showed her my paper and said, "So does this mean I'm pregnant?" She said anything over 15 is pregnant. But I'm just barely over 15. So am I just barely pregnant?

A couple of hours later, the nurse finally called and said she doesn't like my 19 either. Stupid 19. She wants me to have another beta on Saturday to see if it's increasing like it should. Ugh. There's another $200. Not that I'm complaining, because as far as I'm concerned, if we get our sweet baby, it's money well spent. The nurse told me not to worry that the numbers have to start somewhere, but she wasn't really convincing and honestly, she sounded just as worried as me.

So guess what. MORE WAITING! Have I mentioned how much I HATE waiting?

And the doc won't be back in the office until Monday to talk to me again. Hopefull my new best friend is working in the lab this weekend.

Update

So I tested again yesterday morning when I first woke up. Very, very faint lines. I mean you have to really look to kinda see anything. Was gonna stop at the Dollar Store on the way to work, but they don't open until 9. I was extremely frustrated. As soon as I got done at the gym after work, I went straight to Dollar Tree, asked the lady at the counter (who keeps pregnancy tests under the counter? what's the purpose?) for 2 tests. Go straight home and pee on one. Well, pee in a cup really since you have to use the little dropper. First time I'd used one of those. Shadow of a line, but still not convincing.

This morning I used a FRER (Halee: First Response Early Response) because everybody talks about how these are the most sensitive. Stark white. Was at the hospital all day with my Mom. She had surgery this morning. When I came home, I pulled out the other Dollar Tree test. Faint hint of a line. I wanted to save my last FRER for tomorrow morning hoping that it will have a dark unquestionable line. So I pulled out the big guns. Clear Blue Easy Digital. I had them tucked away since they are supposed to pick up only large amounts of hcg. So I pee on the digi.


Guess this is no longer a TTC blog. :-)

Could it be?

Ok, here's the story....

This morning I had a nice little temp rise; completely unexpected since AF is due tomorrow. On a whim, I POAS before getting in the shower. I watched it for a minute and the control line popped right up. But nothing else. So out of frustration I chunked the thing in the trash.

Fast foward to: Came home after work and the gym. Had to pee before getting in the shower and while sitting on the toilet, pulled the test out of the trash just for curiousity's sake. I swear there is a faint line there. I have no idea if it came up within the time limit or not. I can't stop staring at it. Is my mind playing tricks on me? Could it be?

Made a trip to Walmart because all I have left are digis and I'm not brave enough for that yet. All Walmart had were Answer and blue dye (which I don't trust at all), so I came home with a 3 pack of Answer. Still one left from the other package from this morning, so that makes 4 Answer and 3 digis. I will be testing again tomorrow morning.

CD 11

So...still waiting. Today is CD11 and my temps are still up, but it's still 3 more day until AF is due. I have't had any symptoms, so I'm feeling that this month is probably no different than the last few. I think this may be the first time I have ever wanted AF to hurry up and get here.

Ugg. I just wrote a nice little post and it got erased.

So starting over...Got my Clomid today and it was only $10. Yay for my prescription plan! I guess in my mind I've already written this cycle off and am looking forward to moving forward with my Clomid cycle. But I am only 9 DPO, so maybe there is still a chance this time around. :-)

On a side note, yay, I have followers!! LoL That makes me extremely happy. Thanks girls, for taking the time to read about my experiences. I have enjoyed reading yours too! Not that I want you to have these frustrating experiences, but because it's nice to know that there are people out there who know where you're coming from and offer words of encouragement!

Anything that I need to know about Clomid? side effects? I'll keep you all posted.

Finally. Now more waiting.

Finally got a call with the results of SA. Everything is normal. Thank goodnes we are not both "broken." Just me.

Next on the agenda: first cycle of Clomid. AF is scheduled to be here next Tuesday if we didn't get preggo all by ourselves this cycle. At least there is a back up plan. They called in the Clomid prescription today and I started not to pick it up until after AF arrives. That way if I'm already preggo, I'm not out the money for the Clomid. But I decided to go ahead and have them deliver the meds. It would be just the way my ironic life works for me to shell out the $$$ and be preggo and not need the meds. It would be money well spent! Now it's just another waiting game. Waiting on either AF or a BFP!

side note for today

I was just told there is a rumor going around that my 17 year old junior in high school cousin is pregnant. OMG. Can life be anymore unfair? Why can I not get pregant? I have finished college (twice), have had a real job for 11 years, am married, and have a house. WHY?????????

Ok. I'm done with that vent now.

Still waiting

So today I made myself waiting until 10:45 to call the main desk at the clinic. Doc doesn't work on Tuesday, so I wasn't sure if her nurses would be there. The nice lady at the front desk said that M would be there until noon, so she transferred me back. Voicemail again. I left another one. M probably thinks I'm crazy. So I knew if I didn't get a call by 12, I'd be waiting til tomorrow.

I fixed my lunch and sat down to eat, and in comes a grandparent bringing more Pull-ups for her grandson. She explains to me that she only brought a few because he's been going to the potty. And in the middle of her telling me this, my cell phone begins to ring. ARE YOU KIDDING??????? I've been waiting DAYS for this call and now I can't answer it because there's a grandparent in my office!!!!!! All I could do was silence my phone and nod my head as she then begins to tell me that the jacket he wore to school Friday didn't come home with him and can I please look for his burgandy razorback jacket. OMG! Who cares about your dang jacket. I just missed a call from the doctor's office. UGH.

At least M left me a nice voicemail telling me that she did have the results from the SA, but Dr. W hasn't looked at them yet. She'll look over them tomorrow and M will call me then. Why didn't she say that she had the results and everything is fine and Dr. W will decide what to do now tomorrow??? What if everything is not fine and M didn't want to tell me. So now we'll wait until tomorrow.

Waiting sucks

Ugh. We were supposed to get the results of DH's semen analysis today. I waited patiently through the whole weekend, focusing on the fact that I could call and get the results today. I made myself wait until 10:30 to call. The way the clinic works, you have to call and leave a voicemail for the nurse and she calls you back. She ALWAYS calls me back. She didn't today. :-( If you call after 3pm, you call doesn't get returned until the next day. So I called again at 2:30. Left another voicemail. I don't wanna be a psycho, but MAN I wanna know what's going on! AND on top of that, doc isn't in the office tomorrow, so I doubt I get a call tomorrow either. Wednesday is too far away!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm glad that we decided to go ahead with the SA last week. The lab only does them on Thursdays. I wanted the results pretty quick so if everything is ok with the hubby, she could prescribe the Clomid for me. I know that it's supposed to be taken on certain days early in your cycle, and I'm supposed to start my period Nov. 8. If we had waited until next week for the SA, we might not would have had the results by the time that I needed to start the meds. I don't want to waste any more time.

Maybe this is all for nothing and I'm going to get my BFP (big fat positive) this cycle without the help of meds. I am 6 DPO (days past ovulation) today so I guess it's just a waiting game all around. I hate waiting.