Clomid Day 1

Well, today is the day! After my shower this morning, I sat down to completely read the info sheet that came with my 5 precious Clomid pills. Yes, I read the info sheet. You should always read the instructions before you begin anything. After reading all the crazy side effects I swallowed down pill #1. I did not immediately turn into a Clomid Crazy. I did not immediately begin having hot flashes. I have not yet had any strange urges to vomit. Nor have I had any swelling or shortness of breath. So I'm good, right? Actually, I was kind of let down after taking my pill. I'm not sure what I expected. Maybe to feel the egg growing in my ovary...some sort of sign that the medicine is working. But nothing. However, I have heard/read that Clomid takes awhile to build up in your system and that some effects can take place after you have finished your 5 day round. Maybe I'm just saving up and will be the worse Clomid Crazy ever. Unfortunately, I will be back at work and my co-workers will have to deal with me. Oh well, too bad for them!

T minus 1 day and counting!

Tomorrow is Clomid day! LoL. I've been building this up in my head, so I hope it's not a big diappointment when this cycle is over and I'm still not pregnant. At any rate, it's given me something to look forward to! The days after Christmas are always kind of sad to me. You build it up, and get ready, and decorate, and cook, and prepare, and buy presents, and wrap presents for so long and then BAM, it's over, and all you have is just a big mess to clean up. And then you have to go back to work. But we won't talk about that today.

Actually, I have a lot of things to look forward to in the next few months. This cycle will hopefully be a little different and more eventful than the rest. (Please let the Clomid work!) Then February is a big month for us. It will be our 1st wedding anniversary! WOW. Where has the time gone? And then will be my 35th birthday. Again, WOW, where has the time gone? I'm old! And then in March is Spring Break. We have tickets to go to the NCAA first round regionals in Shreveport, so I'm really excited about that! Plus, hopefully we'll begin planning our annual family vacation soon, so that will be another thing to look forward to. I'm ready for you, 2011!!!

Never thought I'd say this...

But hello CD1. And welcome!

I had a great Christmas with my family. I always enjoy our time together, and it's fun to watch everyone open gifts. I bought my sweet hubby a Play Station 3 (he's been wanting it soo bad, but didn't want to spend the $$$) and I've gotten a kick out of watching him play. He's like a kid. He was mad at me for spending so much money on him instead of using it for something else. Whatever. He got me a camera AND an iPod touch so he spent just as much (if not more) than I did. It's not like we have kids to spend money on. We help my mom with Alec's "Santa" stuff, but still, why not spend it on each other while we have that luxury? Hopefully next year there will be someone else to buy for.

Which brings me back to CD1. My temp plummeted yesterday morning, so I just knew that sweet Aunt Flow was going to crash our Christmas celebration, but she was kind enough to wait until today. I've had horrendous cramps all day. Didn't go to church this morning just because I couldn't bear to put on real clothes. I haven't gotten out of my PJs all day. I did take a shower this morning and put on clean PJs, but PJs none the less.

That means I get to finally start my Clomid!!!!!! I'm so excited!!!! I've heard so many horror stories of side effects and so many people who say that Clomid did nothing for them, but I'm hoping that it's my friend. This will be my first ever cycle on Clomid, so doc is starting me out at 50mg on days 5-9. I've read that if you take it on 3-7 it gives you more eggs but if you do 5-9 it gives you better quality eggs. I certainly would not be opposed to twins...in fact, I've always wanted twins, but if I can get one good egg, one complete 9 months, and one healthy, perfect baby I will be more than happy.

So, while I'm disappointed that AF is here again, at least I know that I have a plan. I'm glad to be past that horrible 37 day miscarriage cycle. I hope that I never have to experience that again. Especially not over the holiday season.

Here's to new cycles, new years, and fresh starts.

5 minutes

Imagine you will completely lose your memory of 2010 in five minutes. Set an alarm for five minutes and capture the things you most want to remember about 2010.

There's not much of anything in 2010 that I want to forget. It's been an evenful year, and I treasure all my memories of it. We started out the year with a wedding. Here are the things I most want to remember about our wedding:
the snow in Hot Spring the day we got married
our sweet, simple ceremony
our stay at the bed & breakfast

Then a few weeks later we had our reception:
beautiful decorations done by my sweet cousin Megan
wonderful food
having both of our family together for a huge celebration

And then our honeymoon:
the sound of the tropical birds singing the first morning we woke up in paradise
the wonderful food at the resort
the beautiful beach and ocean
riding a horse bareback in the ocean
having a whole week with just my hubby

And then began our journey to conceive our first child:
the whole process of getting the seman sample to the hospital
all the "tricks" for getting preggo (yes, I have had my legs in the air for up to 20 minutes after doing the deed)
peeing on all the OPKs and HPTs
the excitement of actually seeing a "pregnant" digi
the reactions from our parents when we told them the news

Even though the pregnancy was short lived, it was still happy memories. I can't wait to have those experiences again in the coming year. And hopefully, we experience some uncharted territory (at least for us) with a successful pregnancy!!!

Appreciate

Appreciate. What's the one thing you have come to appreciate most in the past year? How do you express gratitude for it?

I have come to appreciate what a wonderful man my husband is over the past year. Actually, he hasn't even been my husband for a whole year. :-) But it's getting close. He's a hardworking man, although sometimes, I wish he didn't work so hard. Between his real job, his lawn care business, and his referreeing sometimes I don't see him very much. But there are way worse things he could be doing when he's not with me, so I have absolutely no reason to complain. Plus, he's earning money when he's doing all these things.

I've also come to appreciate what a good dishwasher, sweeper, & mopper he is. :-) I haven't had to do any of these things since we moved in to our house. Now if I could just get him to get the dirty sock & undies into the hamper instead of on the bathroom floor.

My husband has a very big heart and I appreciate this too. Although his heart has contributed to the fact that we have 5 dogs. He needs to stay away from the shelter.

He's not a lazy man. And he tries to do what is right. He's a good Christian man. I thank God every day for blessing me with my dear hubby.

I hope he knows how much he is appreciated and loved. I tell him him often, but I know that actions speak louder than words. I do my best to be a good wife. I'm not always successful. Sometimes, he has no clean socks (maybe because they are on the bathroom floor instead of the dirty clothes?), dinner isn't always cooked when he gets home (and if it is, it doesn't always consist of a "balanced" meal), and sometimes I nag. (mostly about the socks on the floor)

But really, if all I have to nag about is socks on the bathroom floor, I have it pretty good.

Where, oh where, are you Aunt Flow?

Still no AF here. Grrr. This past Saturday would've been AF time if this had been a "normal" cycle. FF gives me two different possible O dates. If I go by the first one, AF should be here today and I am now 14DPO. If I go by the second one, AF should come next Tues and I am only 8DPO. Either way, I'm itching to POAS, but I have nothing here to pee on! LoL! Well, I have digis, but I'm not ready for those yet. Those are for special occasions. You know, like pink lines on other tests.

I am trying to fight the urge to run to $tree. Wonder how long I can resist?

Thought AF was here.

If this were a "normal" cycle, AF would have been schedule to arrive today. She didn't show. Yesterday I got really excited because after my walk, I went to the bathroom and had a little spotting. I just knew that she was here, so I put on a pad and went about my business. I did find it strange that I never had any cramps. I always have cramps. When I went to bed last night, the pad was clean and I was still cramp free. Today, still no sign of AF. There has been some question about when exactly I ovulated (if I did) so I'm really not sure where I am in my cycle. According to FF software, I could either be 11DPO which would mean that yesterday could possibly have been implantation spotting. Or I could be 5DPO which would mean that the spotting yesterday was just crazy spotting. So again I wait.

And as I wait I wonder if God likes to toy with us sometimes. I was thinking about this earlier when I was joking with my 11 year nephew about getting him a baby doll for Christmas. I was so convincing and he just kept protesting. I knew all along that I wasn't getting him a baby doll for Christmas. I'm getting him exactly what he told me he wanted. But kidding with him about it is good natured fun.

My parents used to do that same thing when I was little. There was always that ONE thing that I always wanted for Christmas. I would be happy if I could get that one thing. And my parents would warn me that they didn't have the money for that thing. They didn't want me to be diappointed when I woke up Christmas morning and didn't have that ONE thing that I was so set on wanting. They tried to suggest other things, cheaper things, that maybe would make me happy instead. And all along they were planning and working to make sure that I got that ONE thing.

So maybe God is like that. He's teasing me a little. He knows how bad I want that ONE thing. He knows that eventually I'm going to get that ONE thing but He's making me sweat it a little. And that's okay. When you try to get your mind ready to not be disappointed and feel that there's no way that it will happen, when it does, it's that much more exciting. And that much more of a moment to treasure. So I'm just waiting on my moment.

Beginning my break!

Today I am home instead of at work! I am so excited for my Christmas break this year. I've got a lot to do today. Been working on laundry (barefoot because I have no clean socks until this load is done), cleaning the house, and sorting/wrapping gifts! I put my new Christmas flannel sheets on the bed. Need to make a list of the things I still need to buy giftwise, and then another list of things needed from the grocery store! Hopefully I can make some yummy fudge soon. I've never attempted that but I've been wanting some.

I really need to get my butt off the couch (and off the computer) and go walking. Maybe when the socks get dry....

action

When it comes to aspirations, it’s not about ideas. It’s about making ideas happen. What’s your next step?

HA! If only I could get to the next step. I'm doing my darndest to make it happen. But I can't move to the next step until AF gets here. Then it's a round of Clomid. Hopefully that's all it will take to make it happen.

Guess they didn't get the memo

The doctor's office called today to remind me of my first OB appointment tomorrow. Gee thanks for reminding me. Cause I for sure wasn't even thinking about the fact that tomorrow would have been the first time I could see the little fella's heartbeat. The receptionist felt really bad when I explained to her why I wouldn't be coming. Seriously? Is the communication in the office not any better than that? Cause I was there less than a month ago with a miscarriage. I just sent the payment for the visit.

Anyway. Life goes on. Temp jumped back up again this morning. Come one AF. Please.

Body Integration

This year, when did you feel the most integrated with your body? Did you have a moment where there wasn’t mind and body, but simply a cohesive YOU, alive and present?

Ha! This post is funny to me. My body and I have been at war for most of the year. I am trying to get it to cooperate with me to accomplish our goal of pregnancy. So far I am not winning the war. The most integrated that I have felt all year were the 5 weeks and 4 days that I was pregnant. I was so in tune with my body and all the twinges and crazy symptoms. I was conscious of any little change that occurred. Unfortunately, my body won that battle and I was also conscious of my pregnancy ending with every cramp and all the bleeding during my miscarriage. I fully intend to triumph over my silly body. It may have won that battle, but I'm in this fight for the long haul.

The chaos that is my life....

I managed to make it through work today without punching anyone in the face or giving voice to any of my bitter thoughts. I consider that a successful day. Only 3more to go.

Accomplished an amazing feat yesterday: I had my friend come over to attempt a picture for our Christmas card. We have 5 precious dogs, and I wanted a "family" pic with all our "kids." What a crazy chaotic 20 minutes. But bless my friend's soul (thank you Mandy) we got a pic that is really good...considering the situation.



As far as TTC, still no sign of O. Temps are back down to AF level and I had some cramps yesterday, but still no sign of AF. If this were a "normal" cycle, Saturday should be AF arrival day. I am looking forward to Saturday and hoping that she gets here on time!

Wisdom

Wisdom. What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out?
Since my life these days is all about trying to conceive, I seem to relate everything to this. The wisest decision I made this year was to stop taking my birth control pills. DH and I discussed this many times before we got married in February. He thought we should wait at least 6 months before even beginning trying. He wasn't sure we were ready. (Translated to mean that he wasn't sure HE was ready.) I, however, believed that we needed to begin trying right away. For some reason, I had an idea that it wouldn't be as easy for us as it seems to be for everyone else. Unfortunately, I was right. He was so sure about it when we did decide to quit taking the Pill, but he knew I had my heart set on it.

Since beginning TTC this pasy May, we've learned a lot about ourselves and our relationship. I believe he's learned that he really does want a baby much more than he initially thought. I've learned a lot about my body during the charting process. We've learned that we are blessed to have each other and that our love for each other makes dealing with this big bad ugly world a whole lot easier.

I can't yet say how this decision has played out for us. Obviously we haven't acheived our goal yet, but we'll continue to work on in and hopefully 2011 will bring us the sweet baby that we so desperately want in our lives.

Baby Steps

Thank you girls for responding to my last post and for the prayers. I am much better today. Not so angry. But still a little bitter. And most definitely annoyed. I am not looking forward to going to work tomorrow, but at least I know I only have to work 4 days and then I'll be out for Christmas break!

I have found that spending time with my DH makes me feel better than anything. We spent the day at a basketball tournament yesterday. He reffed 2 games and then watched the rest with me. When I'm with him, I remember how blessed I am to have such a wonderful person to share my life with. He's here with me because he loves me and wants to be here. When we finally do have a baby, it will be because we both planned for it and wanted it. Not because I needed a way to keep him here with me. Not because he feels obligated.

He told me today that I have no business being jealous and envious of a stupid, trashy, whore. Now, I know that's a strong word, and we don't really know her heart, but we do know all the guys that she has been with in the last year. Anyway, there is no guarantee that this guy will stay with her and make her life be the fairy tale she has it all worked out to be in her head. DH said that we should jusst keep on and pray that our time will be soon, but if our time never comes, at least we have each other and a relationships that has it's own sturdy foundation that is not based on a surprise pregnancy.

And he is right. However, that doesn't make it hurt any less to watch her belly grow over the next nine months. Or to have to listen to her talk about the pregnancy & baby. Or to see the cute maternity clothes she gets to wear. Or to hear all the staff ooh and aah and coo over everything baby related. Ugh.

Obviously there is still some bitterness. BUT, I do believe that I can go to work tomorrow and not be in danger of punching her in the face. Baby steps, right?

I am cranky. And frustrated. And mad. And hurt. And resentful. And bitter.

And I could keep going. This is my venting place, so I'm getting it all out here in the hopes that it won't all spill out into real life. I just found out that one of my co-workers is pregnant. This is not a person that I particularly like in the first place, so I'm having a really hard time dealing with it.

This girl is lazy and manipulative. She already has one child she doesn't take care of. The daddy of that one is in drug rehab. She was overhead asking another co-worker if they knew where she could find some cocaine. She does the minimum amount required in order to keep her job. She will stab you in the back in a heartbeat. She was also overheard telling another co-worker: "I'm gonna have a baby by ****** because he's gonna be a doctor and we'll have it made."

I have said "I'm gonna have a baby by my HUSBAND" a thousand times and it hasn't worked for me. I have been trying for 7 months to get pregnant. The one time that I did manage to get pregnant, I had a miscarriage. (which is still pretty fresh in my mind and in my heart) After said miscarriage, my body has decided to go haywire to further complicate things. I still don't know if I'm gonna ovulate, and if I do when it will be. I don't have any clue if my dear Aunt Flow will be showing up on time. And if she doesn't I don't have any idea when she will show up if at all.

THAT IS SO NOT FAIR.

Ok. Now. Please say a prayer for me. Please pray that I can work on my attitude cause right now it stinks. Please pray that I can remember that God is in charge of my life that he has it all mapped out for me. Please pray that I can remember how blessed I am by having a wonderful husband who loves me and takes care of me and that I don't have to pick random guys to "trap." Please. Just pray for me.

Community, Being Different, and Partying

Had to go out of town for work, so I'm behind on Reverb since I didn't have my computer with me. So here goes:

Community. Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011? I have discovered the community of girls just like myself who want badly to become pregnant and successfully deliver a precious baby on fertilityfriend.com. I initially just wanting the use of the awesome charting software, but eventually found myself on the message boards reading posts. After lurking for a long time, I began posting my own thoughts. I have made several friends on the boards and appreciate the fact that even though these girls have never met me, they offered kind words and prayers and encouragement during and after my miscarriage. For those of you who followed me here from Fertility Friend, thank you for caring enough about my life to read my posts! I hope that in 2011 I can join the pregnancy circles on FF and remain there for an entire 9 months!!!!!

Beautifully different. Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different - you'll find they're what make you beautiful. What makes me different? I don't know. I mean there are so many things that make me different. I am who I am. I don't pretend to be anyone else. I know so many people who are one person at home, one person at church, one person at work, one person with their friends,etc. I am me whereever I am and whoever I'm with. I don't try to keep up with people who are out of my league. I am content with my status. I don't have to be wealthy. I don't have to be popular. I don't have to have a million friends. Does that make me beautiful?

Party. What social gathering rocked your socks off in 2010? Describe the people, music, food, drink, clothes, shenanigans Hmmmm...I really don't do parties in the sense that most people think. The best "party" I can think of this year would be my wedding reception. We snuck off and got married to avoid all the hooha that goes along with a wedding, but my Mom absolutely would not let me off the hook about a reception. We were married on Valentine's Day but waited to have our reception until the day before we left for our honeymoon in March. It was all of our family and very closest friends. Very simple, but very special to us.

Letting Go

Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?

Well, I'm very happy to say that this year, I have let go of my single self. My days of being alone and thinking only of myself are gone. I have become a wife. A part of a couple. Half of a whole. My actions now affect the life of someone else. I have responsibilities and obligations. And I love it. I have been blessed with a wonderful, caring, hard-working, supportive, funny, perfect for me husband.

Our life together is not perfect. We fight. We argue. We disagree. But we make up, we compromise, and we love our way through everything that jumps in our path. I am so excited to be spending my very first Christmas as Mrs. Griffin.

While I am still me...I will always be me. I haven't changed who I am, but by letting go of the "old me," I have become a better me.

Wonder

Wonder. How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year?
Hmm...I don't know that I have cultivated a sense of wonder in my life using the meaning that I'm sure the prompt writer had in mind. The only sense of wonder that I've had in my life this year has been in the five 2 week waits wondering if I would be pregnant this cycle. Then when I got my BFP a million wonderings of what would our baby look like, what kind of changes would this mean in our life, what kind of personality will the baby have, when will I start to show, wonder if I'll get morning sickness. Then 2 weeks ago today as I started bleeding, more wondering. I wonder if this is bad? I wonder if I am miscarrying? I wonder if I am still pregnant. Then confirmation. Yes, I'm miscarrying. Which leads to more wondering. I wonder if this will be a cycle of "normal" length? I wonder if I will ovulatate? I wonder if I will get another BFP soon or have to wait another 6 months. So, I guess I have cultivated many wonderings in my life this year!! Hopefully soon we will be back to wondering what will our baby look like and what kind of personality will it have. I wonder if this is the cycle.

Moment

Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors).

The moment that instantly comes to mind is a moment on our honeymoon in St Lucia this past March. We were laying on a double lounge chair beside one of the pools at the resort. You could hear the sound of the water lapping the edges of the pool. The warm sun was shining down on us. There was a nice breeze blowing through the palm trees, and you could hear the sea gulls call to each other. We had no worries, no stress. Just each other. In the distance just past the pool, you can see the vast beautiful ocean and the sandy beaches. It was one moment in my life of perfect happiness. I had everything I needed laying right next to me.

Catching up on Reverb10

December 2 – Writing. What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it?
Oh man! Up until starting this blog, I didn't really do a lot of writing. But I love to read. And I haven't done much of that lately either. The Internet has taken over my life. I don't read as much any more. I don't watch as much TV any more. I like the internet. I like Facebook. I love the games on Facebook. I like reading the message boards on the Fertility Friend site. But other productive things have taken my time away from writing (and reading)...such as laundry, cooking for my hubby, keeping the house clean, going to the grocery store, etc. When you get married, your free time changes. I like spending time with my hubby when we have time off together. When basketball season rolls around, I'm much more likely to blog because I'm home by myself a lot. But when he's home, it's nice to spend time with him.

Can I eliminate these things? Well sure. But do I want to?? Most likely not. The games on Facebook are an awesome escape from reality. As are reading and TV. My brain gets a little break. You don't have to think much to do these things. Can I eliminate housework? Ha! I wish! Eliminate time with my hubby? Not a chance. :-)

Will I or will I won't?

So...it's getting close to ovulation time...and I have no clue how close it is since I decided not to use the OPKs this cycle. I've read that some people ovulate the cycle of their miscarriage and some don't. Plus, I told myself that we aren't really trying as hard this cycle...just trying to make it through to the fresh new cycle so I can start the Clomid. Who am I kidding??? Of course we're trying this cycle. Even though I'm not doing OPKs, I'm still figuring in my head when O time should be. And we're still BDing (translation for Halee: Baby Dancing aka SEX!) at the appropriate time. And I'm temping, so when (IF) I get a confirmed temp shift, I'll be figuring if we BD at a good time. And then the 2ww (2 week wait) will begin and I will imagine every symptom in the book. :-)

So...as a distraction I am going to participate in Reverb 10. (Halee, you should check it out...right up your alley!) I actually should have started yesterday, so I have some catching up to do.

December 1 – One Word. Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?
2010: Marriage: This past year for me has been all about marriage! The first part of the year was spent planning for the upcoming wedding, then actually getting married, then the honeymoon. And after that big whirlwind was past it was about the every day ins and outs of marriage. Like learning to deal with snoring, toilet seats left up, dirty clothes on the floor, no clean forks, deciding how to divide time at the holidays, and just learning to mesh two lives in general. It's been a great year. :-) I love my husband. I love being married to him. I am so glad that my long broken road has led me stright to him.

2011: Babies. This next year for us is going to be about babies. I am confident that at some point during the upcoming year, I will be giving birth to a beautiful, healthy baby. Twins if I'm lucky. We started our TTC journy during this year, but next year is our year. I just feel it.